Thanksgiving for my journey with the beloved ones...

My mother and two sons


When I drove to my son’s school about 15 years ago, I told my son, “let us think that this is the worst day of your life, and tomorrow will be a little better! Let us believe in it!” It was really hard time for my sons who brought back to Korea when they were not able to speak Korean due to the long period of stay in abroad. My older son went to a middle school, and the other went to a private elementary school. This was a third new start for them. The first was when I brought them to Germany in 1984, and the second was when my family decided to move to New Jersey from Bonn, Germany. Whenever they had to restart, the fundamental problem was language. They have experienced of being foreign to others many times. The most troblesome experience was in Korea. When they were foreigners in Germany and America, there were many who volunteered for helping improve their languages.

However when they came back to Korea, it was not like that. One of the chief teachers told my son in front of me that “you are so unlucky to have such parents!” And he said ro me again, “From my experience your son has no hope.” I was terrified that the person who said such mean opinion was an educator in a public school. Since then my two sons began to struggle for their survival in Korean schools. My younger used to call home when he arrived at a phone booth which was located a half mile away from my home, and say “please call the police if I am not arriving in 10 minutes.” I am still painful that he was feeling that his being was seriously threatened by the world which had been totally not friendly to him. For a boy most of whose life spent in abroad, it was really a hard time to adjust himself to his homeland.

As they were not able to understand Korean, I had to teach them how to follow up schooling in Korea. In the third year of our struggle, I decided to send them to English speaking world because I was not convinced with myself about their mental status. There were two incidents of suicide. Two of my colleagues had to suffer due to their son’s suicide. They and I were in the almost same situation because each of us came back Korea after having a long journey of studying in abroad. Their children were also not able to speak Korean fluently. In school, teachers and their classmates made fond of them. Even sometimes they harassed or mocked the singled out new comer in the class. Maybe the new comer looked weird because he was not able to pronounce Korean properly. Murmuring and hesitating with weird gestures might be funny to them. But they did not feel any humane duty to help the new comer. Rather they enjoyed making fun of him. Even the teachers did not pay attention to the new comer. Instead they used to get angry when his class record got behind of other classes due to the low grades of the new comers.

Hearing the two news that two of my colleagues lost their older sons, I was afraid of myself for my understanding of my sons. I reflected over and over and finally come to a conclusion to send them to Australia. At that time I thought even though I might be not well prepared for my retirement I had to support them studying in Australia. So they had to restart their life in Australia again. After finishing the first semester, they came back home with almost all As. They looked different, with dyed long hair, free clothes. We spent a wonderful winter vacation together. When they were about to go back to Australia, they made a decision not to go back there. They told me, they want to live with family. Actually we did not say each other that we missed each other too much. I am still very much thankful to my sons for their wonderful decision at that important moment. I am always happy that they treasured the time being together.

Now my older son left home for his further study. But I feel not so much lonesome because he was with me as long as he could. My younger son will leave me again soon. Even though I may miss them I am very much thankful to God for having wonderful sons who have dreams in their hearts. As I left my parents for my study in Germany and America along time ago, my sons are now having a season for making a journey for their further study respectively. This morning I looked myself and glanced at the shape of my father in the mirror. My age is near to the age of my father when I left him. I am so grateful to my God for letting me have my journey in the past, and to see my sons who are making their own journeys. Occasionally I am sitting near the window, looking the forest out of my window, thinking of my father and mother. I am so regretful that I was not a good son for them because I was not able to accept their limitations. They were totally not capable to support my study. However, I never forgot my mother’s prayer for me. But for my mother’s prayer, I might not be the person as I am. I am so much grateful to God for giving me wonderful mother and sons.

This morning when I read the sojourners’ letter from Jim Wallis, I found the phrase said by Thomas Merton that “in the end, it is the reality of personal relationships that saves everything.” Yes, I totally agree with Thomas! Regardless What you accomplished in this life, in the end you have to confront with the reality of personal relationships which will reveal the true nature of your life. I really wish my sons will treasure personal relationships in a wider world beyond the temptation of anonymity. My Quaker brother Bob sent me an e-mail this morning and wished me a good thanksgiving. I have good memory of his sincerity in making relations, supporting the weak, and making always available for others what he owns. When we were at Pendle Hill, in a morning I saw him weave something in the backyard of the library. I asked him, “what are you doing there.” He replied me, “I am weaving an eye of God.” In my study, I have an eye of God woven with beautiful colors. We are weavers of the eye of God which guides us in the Light till the end of our journey. Even though I have lost many things, I am still so deeply thankful to God for my being as it is. If possible, for the rest of my life, I would like to commit myself to live out more in the practice of simplicity, integrity, and compassion.